2022

Time flies by so quickly. Things change and people change. Before I knew, everything in my life has changed. I cannot pin point exactly how or when I ended up here but I learnt a lot of things while getting here. Everyday, I wake up wishing I didn't. Lately, I've been having good days and I'm learning how to suppress the unwillingness to live. I have little faith and hope to live by but I still have that heavy weight on my shoulders that won't let me quit.

Never in my life did I plan to get here. Whatever I can grab hold on to, I grab them for dear life. The most fucked up decision I've made has lead me to newer roads I never imagined I'd get on. But for now, I'm holding out. I'm still wishing for better days and even though they may never come, I won't go without putting up a fight till my last breath.

Good Days 

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2020

Back in 2017, during our last semester of Law School, a friend of mine who's into astrology asked me the details of my birth (like the actual time: hour and minutes) and when I asked her why she simply said I was going to find out. Turns out, she was calculating the day I would get married on some astrology web page. Funny enough, the answer she got was August 2020. That's 5 months from now and ironically, as of now, while I'm typing this, I'm single.

2020 from the start has been a headache. January has news of WWIII all over followed by the COVID-19 epidemic which has now turned to a global pandemic in March. Currently, the Government of India has also announced a 21-Days Lock Down which was pre-headed by a total curfew. I'm not blogging today about the status of this pandemic. The world is ending one way or the other and regardless of what religion you're following, the Apocalypse or The End of Days as we Christians call it, is now. 

What compelled me to blog today after my long haitus is the mere reflection I've had with my life in the past three days, resulting from the lock-down. I am four months away from completing 27 years of my life here. Although I have made mediocre achievements during those years, I haven't achieved anything worthy IMO. I'm not talking about obtaining a Noble Prize here but on the lines of what I have aspired to achieve when I was eight years old kind of achievement. I haven't been able to provide for my family. I've barely provided for myself. I haven't built a house nor have I bought an expensive dress for my mother which is something I should have done when I first got my salary but things just slipped because for the past couple of months I haven't been myself.

There's no excuse as to why I haven't achieved half the things I expected myself to achieve when I was younger. I guess, life didn't turn out the way I expected. But, with that being said, I am living life, I am adulting and it's a shame that I didn't follow my own blue print but that's the beauty of it all- how unexpected everyday is.

After this pandemic, after the virus infection is done with it's peak, when everything calms down, I'll work on those goals. For now, the reflection I have made (and I am sure more are to come) has been eye-opening and I have realized where I have invested my time and efforts along with where I should have invested them instead. 2020 has been a challenge and I have been merely living my days through it. But no more, I will reset my course and sail with a better purpose and better goals. 

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2019

Shoutout to the real friends that are still grinding hard for me till today.

This year was about losing people for me, friends and a lover. A lot of people showed me their true colors and my eyes were opened.

The toughest phase this year was losing my boyfriend of 3 years. Break ups are painful, yes, but the saddest part about breaking up with someone you’ve been with for so long is losing the bonds.

Well, here’s to 2019 🥂 hopefully, 2020 will sets me off on a better track 🤞🏻

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PERSONALITY SHIFT?

I read an article one metal health the other day and something just got stuck with me. There was this sentence I could not get over— “people who go through trauma or great grief can cope by re-creating a personality that is completely different from their own, often out of a self-defense mechanism to counter such incidents in the future.” It was followed by “...sometimes it may not always be positive. Destructive traits like harnessing bad habits can often lead to abuse of alcohol or drugs.” Mind you, sometimes I am my own therapist and I try to tackle my own problems and issues by analyzing the cause.

This time, my biggest issue is substance abuse and living reckless. I think the grief and not being able to grieve properly has lead me to my behavior. My personality seemed changed and the kind of friends I choose changed. I have also noticed my anxiety returning frequently to the point where I am almost alarmed. I have forced myself to stay attached to the things which I know aren’t good for me. Death seem less of a fear at the rate I’m living in. I started bestowing my trust to people that do not deserve it. I have constantly nudge the bolts that holds the bridges I have with many friends. I have ended my 3 year relationship and have somehow convinced my self into justifying my reasons for that.

I have become toxic for myself. Have I lost the ability to love myself or have I always never really did? Why am I destructive all of a sudden? It’s been almost a year since I’ve made my first destructive decision.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to put this to a stop and regain my best self again. I’m losing control of my entire being. 

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Acceptance!

Not everything in my life went the way I planned. I've met bumps and made mistakes. I've cut ties and made new bonds. I accepted what was best for me then and I will keep accepting only those that are best for me.

I stopped writing. There aren't any drafted posts on blog. But I'm going to start again.

I have a lot to say and I hope my voice gets louder as I continue to write more.

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