I read an article one metal health the other day and something just got stuck with me. There was this sentence I could not get over— “people who go through trauma or great grief can cope by re-creating a personality that is completely different from their own, often out of a self-defense mechanism to counter such incidents in the future.” It was followed by “...sometimes it may not always be positive. Destructive traits like harnessing bad habits can often lead to abuse of alcohol or drugs.” Mind you, sometimes I am my own therapist and I try to tackle my own problems and issues by analyzing the cause.
This time, my biggest issue is substance abuse and living reckless. I think the grief and not being able to grieve properly has lead me to my behavior. My personality seemed changed and the kind of friends I choose changed. I have also noticed my anxiety returning frequently to the point where I am almost alarmed. I have forced myself to stay attached to the things which I know aren’t good for me. Death seem less of a fear at the rate I’m living in. I started bestowing my trust to people that do not deserve it. I have constantly nudge the bolts that holds the bridges I have with many friends. I have ended my 3 year relationship and have somehow convinced my self into justifying my reasons for that.
I have become toxic for myself. Have I lost the ability to love myself or have I always never really did? Why am I destructive all of a sudden? It’s been almost a year since I’ve made my first destructive decision.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to put this to a stop and regain my best self again. I’m losing control of my entire being.
