2019

Shoutout to the real friends that are still grinding hard for me till today.

This year was about losing people for me, friends and a lover. A lot of people showed me their true colors and my eyes were opened.

The toughest phase this year was losing my boyfriend of 3 years. Break ups are painful, yes, but the saddest part about breaking up with someone you’ve been with for so long is losing the bonds.

Well, here’s to 2019 🥂 hopefully, 2020 will sets me off on a better track 🤞🏻

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PERSONALITY SHIFT?

I read an article one metal health the other day and something just got stuck with me. There was this sentence I could not get over— “people who go through trauma or great grief can cope by re-creating a personality that is completely different from their own, often out of a self-defense mechanism to counter such incidents in the future.” It was followed by “...sometimes it may not always be positive. Destructive traits like harnessing bad habits can often lead to abuse of alcohol or drugs.” Mind you, sometimes I am my own therapist and I try to tackle my own problems and issues by analyzing the cause.

This time, my biggest issue is substance abuse and living reckless. I think the grief and not being able to grieve properly has lead me to my behavior. My personality seemed changed and the kind of friends I choose changed. I have also noticed my anxiety returning frequently to the point where I am almost alarmed. I have forced myself to stay attached to the things which I know aren’t good for me. Death seem less of a fear at the rate I’m living in. I started bestowing my trust to people that do not deserve it. I have constantly nudge the bolts that holds the bridges I have with many friends. I have ended my 3 year relationship and have somehow convinced my self into justifying my reasons for that.

I have become toxic for myself. Have I lost the ability to love myself or have I always never really did? Why am I destructive all of a sudden? It’s been almost a year since I’ve made my first destructive decision.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to put this to a stop and regain my best self again. I’m losing control of my entire being. 

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Acceptance!

Not everything in my life went the way I planned. I've met bumps and made mistakes. I've cut ties and made new bonds. I accepted what was best for me then and I will keep accepting only those that are best for me.

I stopped writing. There aren't any drafted posts on blog. But I'm going to start again.

I have a lot to say and I hope my voice gets louder as I continue to write more.

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Mind over matter!

Mind over matter
What's the matter?
It's your assumption
Be responsible for it

If the matter doesn't mind
That's because why should it?
Your mind put it there.
It only really matters to you.

Mind over matter
Mental strength
With this matter in mind
I need to work out
So I am less vulnerable.

- Stevie Taite

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