Being a daughter.

As I'm writing this, I'm having a mental breakdown.

I grew up with two siblings. I am the middle child and my older sibling is my brother who is six years elder to me. My younger sister and I have a gap of two years. I didn't experience the negligence that a middle child would growing up. I was always the over achiever when it comes to a comparison between me and my siblings and I always had a focused mind when it came down to achieving my goals.

My mom and dad's divorce got us splitting. My brother lived with my dad and me and my sister lived with my mom and that's how it has always been. I stopped being close to my brother for a very long time now. I don't really wish to be close to him anymore but I do love my nephew and niece a lot. Marcello and Joanna are the only reason why I have a civilized relationship with my brother. My sister and I were extremely close growing up. When she hit puberty things changed a little and after a while she went into boarding school and I left for college. We were still close but we stopped sharing things the way we did before. She got married last year and shortly after she had my niece Jaclyn, she passed away. My mom remarried when I was in second year of my college. 

Anyone who knows me knows I'm an extrovert but I don't really like to share personal things with anyone. I live a life that is pretty similar to every young female in society. It's tough because despite the potential you may have, you can't gain trust from your parents solely because you're a female. I used to envy my two friends a lot. They're two of my best friends and they only have a sister each. I don't know what it is with parents and sons but at 25 I'm realizing that my degree from law school isn't really getting me the eligibility I hoped it would from my family. I can't really blame my parents for thinking a certain way because I am well aware that the society we live in has made them partial to a great extent when it comes to their sons and daughters.

What really triggered me today was a conversation our help had with my mother. First of all, our house help is nosy and she makes everybody's business her's. My mom is soft-hearted that way and she likes to share family affairs with her. We've told her over and over again not to do it because the help likes to take advantage of her kindness but she just doesn't listen. But today, their conversation brought me to a mental breakdown. They were discussing about my mom's plan to acquire some property. Our help told her that my brother didn't need one because he inherited my father's house and my grandparent's wealth. She then asked her if she was going to acquire property for me. This is where I lost my head. My mother told her "She's a woman. Women get married and they share their husband's property so it will be pointless to put a property in Lucy's name".

I shed a tear for so many reasons and the reason why I didn't run over to them and ask what exactly she meant was because I was putting my niece to sleep and she just fell asleep. Now, there are several things that hurt me from what she said. The first one was because it came from my mother. Second, I realized just how patriarchal her mindset is. Third, i didn't realize just how unimportant I was in my family until then and fourth, I thought I was studying for my family and it turns out it was for myself.

The last thought really hit hard on me. Everything I have achieved in my life was to make my parents proud and to validate myself as a daughter. I am a sucker when it comes to making my parents proud. I have topped classes and I actually attended the High School my mom wanted me to. I even got a scholarship for my 5 year law school education just so they don't have to spend their hard earned money in my expensive education. But after I finished law school I went back home and gave several exams. I got a little caught up in my relationship and got side tracked a little. Then ,my sister got married and passe away. So my plans this year of giving the bar exam and other exams were put to a halt purely out of complete negligence from our loss.

It struck me hard that I was never going to get any validation from my family the way I had hoped. I had a major reality check today and I  came to realize fully that I want to leave home and work on my career. I came to realize that women like me in a society like ours need to fend for themselves just to get the respect they deserve. I never wished for my parents to hand me a property or give me wealth to last a lifetime. But never did I think that I didn't mean more than a daughter they would just marry away. I frantically went and dialed up my friends and they gave me a another reality check which wasn't as cruel. I need to start being independent. I am a daughter and my worth as that is limited to finding a husband to be wedded away to. A part of me wants to get rid of that because I'm a woman that can achieve anything she sets her mind to and I need to earn my respect without expecting them to be handed to me.

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GRIEF

I have started to consider myself an expert when it comes to losses. I've lost my dad, two uncles, grandmother, an aunt and two cousins all within a span of eight years. I know how that might sound. Nobody keeps a record of such things but the reason I did and I'm stating it is because over the past decade, I've been terribly good at coping with losing my loved ones...or so I thought.

On 30 December, my sister was already in a critical state when we were hoping she would be discharged from t he hospital to start her journey as a mother. She was ecstatic if I recalled correctly. We had been planning the arrival of my niece when she broke to us her pregnancy news. My mother of course did not want to marry her off just yet. After all, she was our youngest and letting her go to live at someone else's household would have been a terrible decision she could've made, or at least that was our biggest concern. However, I was all in for her marriage. I wanted her to take responsibility for every decision she made. I wanted her to mature and to give her baby a life where she has both parents living under the same roof.

After my parents divorce and my father's death, I have always been a little harsh on my sister. She wasn't an over achiever like I am and she always followed her heart and I didn't agree with her decisions all the time. I was that type of sister. When her baby father wanted to marry her, I was the one who persuaded my mother to agree to it. I thought that was the biggest decision we could make for her to mature. I guess I was hoping for something else that time.

I didn't have the type of relationship with my sister where she trust me enough to tell me everything. I was the one who pushed her to achiever greater things, the harsh sister who wants to control her life and reflect her own dreams onto her sister. At least, that is what I used to think I was to my sister. But my sister was the most forgiving person I know. Everyone who knows her know how big her heart was and most of our differences stem from that.

When the doctor told us to prepare for the worst, my heart hoped for a miracle instead. I didn't want to believe even for a second that she would go. I am stubborn that was. My conscience kept telling me the possibility of her passing away was high. But I refuted to all those theories and kept hoping for her recovery. Hope sometimes make you delusional. When she passed away on New Years Day, everything I believe I've mastered instantly went away.

I didn't mourn my sister for months. I accepted her death and all I did was try to mend the people she left behind. My mother, her husband, my niece...everyone. I knew for a fact that she would have wanted me to be strong for everyone. She would've known I was the one that she was going to count on in her absence.

But I took too much on my plate and I'm starting to crumble. I feel like I'm suffering a disease no one has a clue about. I miss her, I missed all opportunities to tell her how sorry I am for being so tough on her. I didn't let her experience the warm love little sisters feel from their big sisters. I have reached out to some friend who have recently lost someone they love. Most of the advice they tell me is to stay strong and to continue praying. But each day, I'm losing the will to pray. I get lost by the minute and I am trying my best to reason my feelings but I am getting tired of it all.

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